11 Slimy Internet Marketing Characters

The world of Internet Marketing can be a minefield of personalities, but there are certain characters you will see over and over again. These characters range from a little naive to downright dishonest… see how many of these 11 you recognise.

11. The n00b

Who? The n00b is usually a teenage boy who is new to the world of internet marketing. The n00b spends his time online surfing from a school or college account, looking for a way to make some extra green to give up his weekend shift at Pizza Hut and impress the ladies by flashing the cash. He clicks advertising banners religiously and can’t understand how he always manages to be the one millionth website visitor but is yet to receive his free laptop.

How do you know if you have met one? You probably meet one every day. They ask seemingly stupid questions on the marketing forums often in abbreviated “txt spk”, much to the annoyance of the veteran marketers who appreciate the value of clear, legible copy.

Slimy Rating: 1/10 – Every single one of us was a n00b at one point, it’s all part of the learning curve that is internet marketing so don’t be too hard on them.

10. The Minimum Wage Article Writer

Who? The article writer had always aspired to be a print journalist but read they could utilise their writing talent to make more money online as a freelancer. However, regardless of where they live and the cost of living, the article writer has to compete with Indians who will write 10 pages for $2. He or she would be financially better off stacking shelves in a supermarket but have convinced themselves 16-hour days and constantly blistered fingers is “living the dream”.

How do you know if you have met one? If you are at a networking event they will probably describe themselves as a “writer” or “published author”, when in reality they churn out keyword-based content for crappy spam websites and made-for-adsense pages.

Slimy Rating: 2/10 – Gullible? Yes! Slimey? No. They are pretty harmless.

9. The Keyboard Warrior

Who? The Keyboard Warrior is most likely to be young, failed internet marketer and usually a man barely out of his teens. He couldn’t cut it online himself but has found a new calling in life as the ultimate critic and just loves to argue. He gets much delight from beginners who ask the same questions he did just a few months before and will start an argument at the drop of a hat. However, he does so from the safety of his keyboard and monitor because in real life, he is most likely to be a pathetic, overweight nerd.

How do you know if you have met one? Most internet marketing forums have a resident keyboard warrior who are skating on thin ice. Also, read the comments section of a social media website for a stream of vitriol from these trolls.

Slimy Rating: 3/10 – Don’t get sucked into an argument with a Keyboard Warrior, it is a waste of your time. The key is to ignore them, which can be easier said than done.

8. The Internet Marketing Fantasist

Who? If a n00b fails at internet marketing and doesn’t go down the Keyboard Warrior route, they may become an Internet Marketing Fantasist instead. This character usually proclaims to be an expert and boasts to anyone who will listen how they make a “lot of cash” from a chosen subject of expertise. But despite this, the Fantasist, often a male, can be found asking basic questions on forums, showing him up for the embarrassment he is.

How do you know if you have met one? You have probably spotted them in forums bragging of their online prowess and using large signature files proclaiming “you too can make $50,000 a month” and not even attempting to disguise the affiliate link. However, in the next thread they will ask basic questions, like “what is anchor text” or even worse “how can I make money online” with the sig file contradicting them nicely.

Slimy Rating: 4/10 – They would score much higher if they weren’t so pathetic and more see-through than a clingfilm mini-skirt.

7. The Skype Scammer

Who? Rather than using email, the Skype Scammer prefers to use a more direct approach and pester would-be suckers directly via VOIP calls or instant messaging alerts. Usually a male, he will try and get you to participate in an online pyramid scheme, or, in the case of instant messaging, pretend to be a woman to get you to visit a porn website.

How do you know if you have met one? If you have ever received a Skype call or instant message in the small hours of the morning, from a man with a poor grasp of the English language or a busty blonde looking for “a chat”, then it was probably one of these guys.

Slimy Rating: 5/10 –The Skype Scammers are annoying but cold-calling in this way was inevitable. Dealing with them is easy - block them and avoid answering calls from people who are not on your friend’s list.

6. The Tax-Evading eBay Seller

Who? The eBay seller will tell friends, family and the guys down the pub that he is running a legitimate and successful online business… but for some reason believes eBay businesses are exempt from paying tax. Having your cake and eating it spring to mind.

How do you know if you have met one? This is someone who is most likely to be a family member or friend and who fancies themselves as a bit of a wheeler and dealer. They will bore you constantly of tales of the deal that almost was and are seen coming a mile away by more savvy (and ruthless) wholesalers. They will attempt to sell you outdated video games consoles or “sold as seen” exercise equipment with pieces missing, cash in hand only, at a family function, neighbourhood barbeque or school sports day.

Slimy Rating: 6/10 – These guys are terrible bores and can be swiftly dealt with permanently via an anonymous tip-off to the tax office. Their constant bragging to all and sundry will make it almost impossible for them to trace their reporting back to you.

5. The Conversational Spammer

Who? The Conversational Spammer seems like a genuine, interesting person at first who shares a common interest with you, but then manages to work in their website or latest online get rich quick scheme into every conversation, even when it is totally unrelated.

How do you know if you have met one? You were probably in a perfectly normal discussion with someone at a party, then “by the way, have you heard of…” or were chatting to to a new contact online and then suddenly are bomarded by links to other websites for you to “check out”.

Slimy rating: 7/10 – The Conversational Spammer is a slimy piece of work because he or she will try to gain your trust first before doing a lot of pointless, small-time spamming before you realise what they are up to and tell them where to go!

4. The List Bomber

Who? The List Bomber is quite a savvy marketer and has the know how to build a large, targeted list of email addresses. He or she then bombards their subscribers with sales pitch after sales pitch for every new internet marketing product, course or membership site going.

How do you know if you have met one? If sign up to any email list you will soon know if it belongs to a List Bomber. Each morning you will have a new email, promoting the latest product which is “amazing”, “mind-blowing” and “incredible”. The List Bomber will often promote expensive products or training courses as an affiliate because of the large commission incentives.

Slimy Rating: 7/10 – The only thing preventing the List-Bomber from getting a higher rating is the fact YOU technically opted-in to receieve the emails. Unsubscribing should be a straightforward process and always use a “throwaway” email address from Hotmail, Google etc when signing up to such lists.

3. The Marketing Guru Who “Fakes It”

Who? There is a popular saying, “all my ideas were stolen by the ancients”. In a nutshell it means brand new ideas and concepts are few and far between and this is particularly true in the world of internet marketing. When one person comes up with a half-decent method of making money online, other “gurus” jump on it like a pack of hyenas, reword it, repackage it and sell it as their own. Worse still, customers (often n00bs) fall for it over and over again.

How do you know if you have met one? Have you bought a ground-breaking guide in PDF format for making money online recently?

Slimy Rating: 8/10 – Internet marketing gurus seem to be ten a penny these days. It is bad enough ripping off other people’s work but it is even worse to then use hype and lies to sell a second rate version of a reasonable method.

2. The Nigerian Email Scammer

Who? Despite living in a hut in Lagos and relying on internet cafes for online communication, the Nigerian Email Scammer somehow knows every recently deceased King and Princess on the planet and has access to $500 zillion stored away in an offshore account. If you send him cash via Western Union to cover “admin” fees, you can help yourself to a large percentage of the zillions. Sounds like a fair deal? Right?

How do you know if you have met one? You have received an email out of the blue offering you a share in the lost fortunes of a recently deceased member of the Nigerian royal family. You will be contacted by a “God fearing” individual using a throwaway email account (Yahoo seems to be a popular choice) who is looking for a discreet business partner, preferably one with a lot of money he can syphon off. Simply sending you the money is not an option. They require contributions, often running into thousands of dollars, to be used as admin fees, bribes or whatever. Once they have your money, you will not hear from them again.

Slimy Rating: 9/10 – These guys really are cheeky ba%&$/*s-!!! They will do and say almost anything to stay in contact with you so they can persuade them you to send them money.

1. The Email Spammer

Who? Unlike the List Bomber, the Email Spammer doesn’t care if you chose to receive their email messages or not unsubscribing is not an option. The spammer uses the law of averages to target gullible fools into paying for all manner of rubbish, such as penis lengthening magic pills, viagra alternatives, college diplomas and dubious porn from Eastern Europe.

How do you know if you have met one? Easy, you responded to an email you did not expect to receive which offered you something incredible and almost “too good to be true”. Your wallet will be lighter and your penis will be exactly the same size.

Slimy rating: 10/10 – The ultimate in online slime. The Email Spammer is relentless and if you are unlucky your email address could be bombarded with hundreds of junk messages per day. Fortunately, he could be just one multi-million email campaign away from a long prison sentence.

So… Which One Are You?

Now you have seen the entire list, which of our internet marketing friends are you most similar too? How many of these characters do you recognise? Please comment below and tell me!

Finally and perhaps most importantly, how do I get a refund for my Nigerian penis pills?